Following on from my last post this is what I learnt last night at my parenting class. It was on apologies and co-operation.
Lisa had us imagine we had just started a new job, one we really wanted/liked. She had us list the do's and the don'ts of what we would like our new boss to do. E.g. DO be patient, explain the job, help me, let me learn my way etc... DON'T assume I know what I'm doing, take over etc... then we did another list for what we do and don't want our boss to do when we make a mistake. E.g. DON'T yell at me, belittle me, hold it against me etc.. DO gently tell me where I went wrong, show me how to fix it, check they taught it correctly to me in the first place etc... Well, I'm sure you could make a list in your imagination. Or on paper, go ahead... I'll wait...
When you look at what you have written it is just like a child's job description and what they would like us as their 'boss' to do/not do. It is a list to aspire to.
Also:
*When you have had a long day, be sure to take a moment perhaps in the car on the way home, to re-connect with the best part of yourself, so that you come home and be nice. Too often we are nicest to everyone else but our family yet they are the one's who we should be best with.
*Imagine Big Brother has a video camera in every room of your house and your parenting is being shown as a reality TV program. How would you parent differently?
*We treat our kids like we treat ourselves. If we are hard on ourselves when we make a mistake, we will be hard on our children.
*Go back and fix it. Usually we just don't, but we can always go back and fix it.
*You are setting the standard of your child's future parenting.
*An apology is a conversation not an announcement. You must give them the chance to say if they forgive you, it'll change the energy of the relationship/situation.
*Teach the difference between an apology and forgiveness.
*Don't insist on your little one's giving an apology too early. Sometimes you need time to cool down, so do they.
*Long hugs feel special.
*Model happy apologies. It should be a joy and they should feel good when they apologize (not like when we demand they give one).
*Make sure they hear the kindness in your voice.
Here is a poem that goes with something from last week when often our first question is a negative one instead of a How was your day? or Did you have fun?...
The Good Little Girl - By A. A. Milne
It'’s funny how often they say to me,
“Jane?"
“Have you been a good girl?"
“Have you been a good girl?"
And when they have said it, they say it again,
“Have you been a good girl?"
“Have you been a good girl?"
I go to a party, I go out to tea
I go to an aunt for a week at the sea
I come back from school or from playing a game;
Wherever I come from, it'’s always the same:
“Well?
Have you been a good girl, Jane?"
It's always the end of the loveliest day:
“Have you been a good girl?”
“Have you been a good girl?"
I went to the Zoo, and they waited to say:
“Have you been a good girl?
“Have you been a good girl?
Well, what did they think that I went there to do?
And why should I want to be bad at the Zoo?
And should I be likely to say if I had?
So that'’s why it'’s funny of Mummy and Dad,
This asking and asking, in case I was bad,
“Well?
Have you been a good girl, Jane?"
We've just come home from basketball and ten-pin bowling. The kids have never been before and they had fun. Daddy won, I think Emmy was second, Ammon third and Leah fourth. The kids used the ramp (a wonky one I thought). Ammon was quite taken with the video games too but boy the food was a rip-off. Oh well, a nice night and everyone is in bed now.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Speaking and Listening
I had to speak in sacrament at church today. I think it is one of the only times I have not been nervous to give a talk. It was on family history though so it's easy when it's a topic you like. I got lots of good comments afterwards and people seemed to get a bit inspired to do theirs so that was nice. Fortunately Caleb fell asleep and the others were well behaved for Aunty (I assume, I wasn't looking at them!) while I was speaking. Whew.
I have been going to a parenting course with my friend Sandra. It is facillitated by Lisa McKimm who's son is Nathan's business partner. I am loving it! It is an 8 week course and we've had 3 sessions so far. I am learning alot and I can already see the differences in my parenting and how my kids respond. (It is a parenting course but so much of it can relate to your relationships with your spouse and the family you grew up in).
The first night she taught us the 5 love languages: Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch and Words. We had to figure out how we liked to be 'loved' and how our family liked to be 'loved'. I can see that each of us like it different ways (I didn't count Caleb yet). Emerson likes time - she wants to be with you and talk to you (and talk and talk and talk) and while she does she practically sits on you. Leah is gifts, she loves to give gifts/make things for you just to see your face light up when you open it/view it, even if it's a hairbrush wrapped in newspaper. So far Ammon would be time too as he loves to DO things with you or read books together. Mine is service and Nathan's would be touch. Often you can miss someone's desire for love because it doesn't look like yours, you just see it as annoying or you overlook it because you don't recognise it. As I've watched the kids since then I can really see when they are showing/desiring some love and it makes me stop and give it. In return Emerson has been way more lovey, I think she is really responding to her attentions being acknowledged and she is feeling more loved.
We have also learnt about family constellations - your birth order. Whether you are the oldest, middle or youngest child and the personality that comes with it.
The oldest is a stresser, list maker, puts pressure on themselves, leader, thinks with their head etc... and the challenge is to teach them the courage to fail.
The middle is all about justice. They look at the oldest who gets everything brand new and the youngest who gets away with everything and "it's just not fair". So they are all about fairness, but they are also kind, considerate and have integrity. They think with their heart. Challenge? To remember them, to let them be first sometimes (new not hand-me-down) and to sometimes get away with it too.
The youngest are cruisy, people managers, fun but has to learn responsibility. The older children should not do everything for them, but let them learn and not let them get away with too much.
For twins she says the dominant one will choose whether to be the 'oldest' or 'youngest' whichever has the most perks. A child can "leapfrog" to the oldest position sometimes, by absence or ability or if a parent favours them.
The second child is also rebellious and competitive.
I can see this in our family (even Nate and I) and it gives you more patience to teach them and be tolerant of them.
We've also learnt:
* How will your kids remember you at the end of your life? - This was one of the first questions she asked. Hopefully the answer will be different by the end of the course!
* A successful relationships needs: To show love, have fun, mutual respect and encouragement. We work on one thing a week. I have been trying the fun one and those moments have been heartwarming.
* Your child's listening skills mimic yours.
* Show respect so they learn it.
* Patience + listening = showing interest. They will respond amazingly to this.
* Don't threaten, make an offer and stay cool with the situation. - Nathan did this. Instead of threatening that they would have to walk if they weren't ready to go to school on time (we usually have to keep on at them to get ready), he just told them he'd take them ready or not, as they were, pj's or clothes, breakfast or not, lunch or not, then left it at that. They were ready. :-)
* If your kids are lying to you, what are they afraid of? You?
* Don't look at the other stuff, just look with the eyes of love.
* The error has already been made, deal with it so it's best for everyone.
* Make a list of positives and don't forget to see the greatness (when one child is making you loopy).
* Don't crush their self-esteem early, build it up and they'll cope beautifully later on with competition. (Like when your 3 year old asks you if they sing beautifully when they really don't).
* Protect your kids spirit.
* Praise the deed not the dude.
* Say it gently, it is still discipline but the kids will hear it better.
* Thank them for their co-operation. You like to be thanked for cooking dinner, they like to be thanked too.
Of course this makes way more sense when you're there to learn it, but it's a run down for you. I'm thinking of getting Lisa to come and do a one-on-one course with us so that Nathan can learn it too, then we're both on the same wave-length and it would be tailored to our individual family.
Ah so much more to learn!
I have been going to a parenting course with my friend Sandra. It is facillitated by Lisa McKimm who's son is Nathan's business partner. I am loving it! It is an 8 week course and we've had 3 sessions so far. I am learning alot and I can already see the differences in my parenting and how my kids respond. (It is a parenting course but so much of it can relate to your relationships with your spouse and the family you grew up in).
The first night she taught us the 5 love languages: Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch and Words. We had to figure out how we liked to be 'loved' and how our family liked to be 'loved'. I can see that each of us like it different ways (I didn't count Caleb yet). Emerson likes time - she wants to be with you and talk to you (and talk and talk and talk) and while she does she practically sits on you. Leah is gifts, she loves to give gifts/make things for you just to see your face light up when you open it/view it, even if it's a hairbrush wrapped in newspaper. So far Ammon would be time too as he loves to DO things with you or read books together. Mine is service and Nathan's would be touch. Often you can miss someone's desire for love because it doesn't look like yours, you just see it as annoying or you overlook it because you don't recognise it. As I've watched the kids since then I can really see when they are showing/desiring some love and it makes me stop and give it. In return Emerson has been way more lovey, I think she is really responding to her attentions being acknowledged and she is feeling more loved.
We have also learnt about family constellations - your birth order. Whether you are the oldest, middle or youngest child and the personality that comes with it.
The oldest is a stresser, list maker, puts pressure on themselves, leader, thinks with their head etc... and the challenge is to teach them the courage to fail.
The middle is all about justice. They look at the oldest who gets everything brand new and the youngest who gets away with everything and "it's just not fair". So they are all about fairness, but they are also kind, considerate and have integrity. They think with their heart. Challenge? To remember them, to let them be first sometimes (new not hand-me-down) and to sometimes get away with it too.
The youngest are cruisy, people managers, fun but has to learn responsibility. The older children should not do everything for them, but let them learn and not let them get away with too much.
For twins she says the dominant one will choose whether to be the 'oldest' or 'youngest' whichever has the most perks. A child can "leapfrog" to the oldest position sometimes, by absence or ability or if a parent favours them.
The second child is also rebellious and competitive.
I can see this in our family (even Nate and I) and it gives you more patience to teach them and be tolerant of them.
We've also learnt:
* How will your kids remember you at the end of your life? - This was one of the first questions she asked. Hopefully the answer will be different by the end of the course!
* A successful relationships needs: To show love, have fun, mutual respect and encouragement. We work on one thing a week. I have been trying the fun one and those moments have been heartwarming.
* Your child's listening skills mimic yours.
* Show respect so they learn it.
* Patience + listening = showing interest. They will respond amazingly to this.
* Don't threaten, make an offer and stay cool with the situation. - Nathan did this. Instead of threatening that they would have to walk if they weren't ready to go to school on time (we usually have to keep on at them to get ready), he just told them he'd take them ready or not, as they were, pj's or clothes, breakfast or not, lunch or not, then left it at that. They were ready. :-)
* If your kids are lying to you, what are they afraid of? You?
* Don't look at the other stuff, just look with the eyes of love.
* The error has already been made, deal with it so it's best for everyone.
* Make a list of positives and don't forget to see the greatness (when one child is making you loopy).
* Don't crush their self-esteem early, build it up and they'll cope beautifully later on with competition. (Like when your 3 year old asks you if they sing beautifully when they really don't).
* Protect your kids spirit.
* Praise the deed not the dude.
* Say it gently, it is still discipline but the kids will hear it better.
* Thank them for their co-operation. You like to be thanked for cooking dinner, they like to be thanked too.
Of course this makes way more sense when you're there to learn it, but it's a run down for you. I'm thinking of getting Lisa to come and do a one-on-one course with us so that Nathan can learn it too, then we're both on the same wave-length and it would be tailored to our individual family.
Ah so much more to learn!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Comparing Weight
Caleb had a visit with plunket today. He is 9 weeks old (or two months on Tuesday gone) and I wanted to see how the other kids compared to him:
At Birth
Emmy 3.98kg, head 38cm, length 55.5cm
Leah 3.67kg, head 35.75cm, (length at one week 54.5cm)
Ammon 3.76kg, head 37cm, length 52cm
Caleb 3.90kg, head 36.5cm, length 54cm
Jarom 3.63kg, head 34.5cm, length 54cm
At 6 weeks
Emmy 5.58kg, head 40.5cm, length 62cm
Leah 4.88kg, head 36.6cm
Ammon 5.84kg, head 39cm
Caleb 5.53kg, head 40.3cm
Jarom (5 weeks) 5.33kg, head 38.4cm
At 9 weeks
Emmy 5.9kg, head 41cm
Leah 5.3kg
Ammon 6.4kg, head 41cm, length 63cm
Caleb 6.15kg, head 41cm, length 61.2cm
Jarom 7.3kg, head 41.1cm, length 63.2cm
At 3 months
Emmy 6.9kg, head 43.5cm, length 65cm
Leah 5.71kg, head 41cm, length 61cm
Ammon 7.1kg, head 41.5cm, length 66.4cm
Caleb 6.9kg, head 42.4cm, length 65cm
Jarom 8.14kg, head 42cm, length 64cm
Looks like he's more on par with Emmy at this stage than Ammon. But gaining about 200g a week. He is so smiley and loves being talked to. He talks back a little too.
At Birth
Emmy 3.98kg, head 38cm, length 55.5cm
Leah 3.67kg, head 35.75cm, (length at one week 54.5cm)
Ammon 3.76kg, head 37cm, length 52cm
Caleb 3.90kg, head 36.5cm, length 54cm
Jarom 3.63kg, head 34.5cm, length 54cm
At 6 weeks
Emmy 5.58kg, head 40.5cm, length 62cm
Leah 4.88kg, head 36.6cm
Ammon 5.84kg, head 39cm
Caleb 5.53kg, head 40.3cm
Jarom (5 weeks) 5.33kg, head 38.4cm
At 9 weeks
Emmy 5.9kg, head 41cm
Leah 5.3kg
Ammon 6.4kg, head 41cm, length 63cm
Caleb 6.15kg, head 41cm, length 61.2cm
Jarom 7.3kg, head 41.1cm, length 63.2cm
At 3 months
Emmy 6.9kg, head 43.5cm, length 65cm
Leah 5.71kg, head 41cm, length 61cm
Ammon 7.1kg, head 41.5cm, length 66.4cm
Caleb 6.9kg, head 42.4cm, length 65cm
Jarom 8.14kg, head 42cm, length 64cm
Looks like he's more on par with Emmy at this stage than Ammon. But gaining about 200g a week. He is so smiley and loves being talked to. He talks back a little too.
Here is page one of Caleb's blessing that I did (with JC's help).
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Ammon's first hair cut
Our friend Leigh-Anne came to cut Ammon's hair today. He was so good (why did I expect him not to be??), just sitting there watching his tv shows eating some lolly crocodile's she had brought to bribe him with. But really she could have done it without the bribe. He now looks like a little boy instead of a toddler, the affro is gone and a tidy cut in it's place.
Ammon before:
During:
Ammon before:
During:
and after:
Nate has gone to conference in Auckland till tomorrow night, and it's busy here. He left last night. Today was the school run and home in time to cook some cinnamon buns before Ammon's haircut, then I hosted a morning tea, the boys had a sleep then the school run again. Home for homework, dinner then I have a parenting course with Lisa McKimm.
Tomorrow is rubbish day, school and kindy run, then straight to the dentist for me. Em's choir performance at lunch time, pick the kids up, homework/jobs, dinner then basketball. Oh fun.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
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