Speaking and Listening

I had to speak in sacrament at church today. I think it is one of the only times I have not been nervous to give a talk. It was on family history though so it's easy when it's a topic you like. I got lots of good comments afterwards and people seemed to get a bit inspired to do theirs so that was nice. Fortunately Caleb fell asleep and the others were well behaved for Aunty (I assume, I wasn't looking at them!) while I was speaking. Whew.

I have been going to a parenting course with my friend Sandra. It is facillitated by Lisa McKimm who's son is Nathan's business partner. I am loving it! It is an 8 week course and we've had 3 sessions so far. I am learning alot and I can already see the differences in my parenting and how my kids respond. (It is a parenting course but so much of it can relate to your relationships with your spouse and the family you grew up in).

The first night she taught us the 5 love languages: Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch and Words. We had to figure out how we liked to be 'loved' and how our family liked to be 'loved'. I can see that each of us like it different ways (I didn't count Caleb yet). Emerson likes time - she wants to be with you and talk to you (and talk and talk and talk) and while she does she practically sits on you. Leah is gifts, she loves to give gifts/make things for you just to see your face light up when you open it/view it, even if it's a hairbrush wrapped in newspaper. So far Ammon would be time too as he loves to DO things with you or read books together. Mine is service and Nathan's would be touch. Often you can miss someone's desire for love because it doesn't look like yours, you just see it as annoying or you overlook it because you don't recognise it. As I've watched the kids since then I can really see when they are showing/desiring some love and it makes me stop and give it. In return Emerson has been way more lovey, I think she is really responding to her attentions being acknowledged and she is feeling more loved.

We have also learnt about family constellations - your birth order. Whether you are the oldest, middle or youngest child and the personality that comes with it.
The oldest is a stresser, list maker, puts pressure on themselves, leader, thinks with their head etc... and the challenge is to teach them the courage to fail.
The middle is all about justice. They look at the oldest who gets everything brand new and the youngest who gets away with everything and "it's just not fair". So they are all about fairness, but they are also kind, considerate and have integrity. They think with their heart. Challenge? To remember them, to let them be first sometimes (new not hand-me-down) and to sometimes get away with it too.
The youngest are cruisy, people managers, fun but has to learn responsibility. The older children should not do everything for them, but let them learn and not let them get away with too much.
For twins she says the dominant one will choose whether to be the 'oldest' or 'youngest' whichever has the most perks. A child can "leapfrog" to the oldest position sometimes, by absence or ability or if a parent favours them.
The second child is also rebellious and competitive.
I can see this in our family (even Nate and I) and it gives you more patience to teach them and be tolerant of them.

We've also learnt:
* How will your kids remember you at the end of your life? - This was one of the first questions she asked. Hopefully the answer will be different by the end of the course!
* A successful relationships needs: To show love, have fun, mutual respect and encouragement. We work on one thing a week. I have been trying the fun one and those moments have been heartwarming.
* Your child's listening skills mimic yours.
* Show respect so they learn it.
* Patience + listening = showing interest. They will respond amazingly to this.
* Don't threaten, make an offer and stay cool with the situation. - Nathan did this. Instead of threatening that they would have to walk if they weren't ready to go to school on time (we usually have to keep on at them to get ready), he just told them he'd take them ready or not, as they were, pj's or clothes, breakfast or not, lunch or not, then left it at that. They were ready. :-)
* If your kids are lying to you, what are they afraid of? You?
* Don't look at the other stuff, just look with the eyes of love.
* The error has already been made, deal with it so it's best for everyone.
* Make a list of positives and don't forget to see the greatness (when one child is making you loopy).
* Don't crush their self-esteem early, build it up and they'll cope beautifully later on with competition. (Like when your 3 year old asks you if they sing beautifully when they really don't).
* Protect your kids spirit.
* Praise the deed not the dude.
* Say it gently, it is still discipline but the kids will hear it better.
* Thank them for their co-operation. You like to be thanked for cooking dinner, they like to be thanked too.

Of course this makes way more sense when you're there to learn it, but it's a run down for you. I'm thinking of getting Lisa to come and do a one-on-one course with us so that Nathan can learn it too, then we're both on the same wave-length and it would be tailored to our individual family.
Ah so much more to learn!