Our last night at parenting class was about getting in those last questions and sharing how some of the tips we have learnt have worked for us. So only a couple things that I wrote down.
* When you have three kids playing together but one feels left out and says "they're mean they won't play with me" (I have SO heard that enough times around here!), then it's time to have a conversation about social skills and to say what love looks like in a group. Ask what can we do next time to help everyone feel included?
* An example was given of a boy who didn't like to get dried in the bathroom after his shower, but would walk the water all the way to the bedroom (I am assuming this is a wood-floor home), and it drove his Mother nuts. Lisa suggests that things sound different when it is allowed. Give a choice in a sunny light voice - you can either get dried in the bathroom or you can walk the water everywhere, but then you will need to clean it up.... oh I see you chose to clean up after yourself, well you will be needing this then (give them a towel/rag). And walk away. If they are stubborn and won't do it, keep the happy voice and say something like oh I see you're still getting to it, ok, well we're having dinner shortly, you're welcome to join us when you are finished. You can keep it happy at your end while still making them finish the consequence.
* Don't sound like you're up for a fight, watch the tone of your voice.
* One Mum asked about lying. How do you punish a lie? Lisa said lying is not always black and white, look at the motive for lying first. There are three reasons why anyone lies, 1) frightened of consequence 2) to get out of something 3) loyalty. The example the Mum had given was ultimately about an older sibling lying to protect their younger sister from punishment - it had been over a sandwich. Lisa suggested no punishment here as loyalty is a great thing to be encouraged in families. She doesn't condone the lying but says look at the situation realistically, was this really something to get upset about?? Keep talks about honesty for when they really matter. E.g having a sandwich v's stealing.
* Sometimes a conversation can be the punishment. It is enough.
Lisa's funders are Starfish Charitable Trust but the government is no longer giving community education grants out, so Starfish don't have very much money to give Lisa anymore. She's trying to find ways to get money coming in otherwise she can't continue to do these courses as much as she has. I hope she does 'cause she gives such great tools for becoming better parents, which grows better families, and better families create great communities. I wish her good luck!
Well school holidays have begun. We had Elisa here last night and Em went to hang out with Brooke at Mum's. These three play well together, there isn't the fighting you get when it's Em and Leah and another child. Or maybe it's just that Ammon is quite happy to watch TV and just have them nearby him. He did get a bit upset last night because I didn't let Elisa sleep in his bed with him. No real reason except he's a squasher, I didn't think she stood a chance of a good sleep they way he practically forces you out of bed. She slept in Em's bed instead. After I changed it of course! My Em is getting rather lazy again...................
We have no great plans for the holidays except for a jump jam practice and a wedding. I guess we'll hit lollipops playland and the pools at some stage. The girls want to go rock climbing and to the farm (weather dependant) so I guess we'll do that too. Nate's grandparents haven't seen Caleb yet and he's coming up 4 months old.
Oops -he's awake now. Gotta go.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
He's rollin'
Caleb rolled over today. Aren't the small things exciting? The easier way is from your front to your back as you lift up and gravity topples you over. Not him - he rocks and rolls from his back to his front. I didn't actually see it, but I had put him down on his back on the floor next to me and was on the computer when I heard a donk. He had hit a plastic box when he'd rolled over. Oh the excitement! What a Mum.
Final parenting update coming soon.
Final parenting update coming soon.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Be Present
Another wonderful class tonight. The main part was about listening, but I'll write as my notes went.
* When growling your children, you will need to speak differently to boys than to girls. Boys need it short and sweet (minimal words) and their consequences louder and clearer.
* Divide your time not your attention.
* When the same thing keeps happening over and over again: How can I do it differently to get a different response?
* If there is no time before school for consequences, then tell them the consequences will have to happen after school.
* The end of the school term (especially in winter months) brings tired kids. Be mindful of this when they are more grizzly or contentious than normal.
* Take the power from you and give it to the clock. When you are needing to go, show your child that when the big hand is on the 6 we have to leave. Younger kids don't understand "a few minutes", Christmas is soon, 5 minutes is soon. Use a clock with hands to help them understand time.
* If it's time for dinner but your child is in a very creative space (e.g. doing art), instead of saying "come now", take a moment to look at what they are doing and perhaps give them a bit more time to finish. Creativity is something to be encouraged.
* A woman talks to solve the issue herself (saying it often solves it without any input from someone else). A man thinks if she's talking to me she wants a solution. So gives one.
* Practice being the parent that can say to their child "I am completely unshockable by anything you tell me". By practice will also come non-judgement. There is no quicker way to shut a teenager down than to judge them when they tell you something. LISTEN with patience and calmness. Reacting - especially negatively - will close the communication door.
* Kids know how to be "present" in the moment. Watch them follow a ladybug for ages.... Sometimes because they are so in the moment, they will not hear you. (And here I was thinking Leah was just deaf! Instead I learn that she probably IS just really being present).
* You like to unload at bedtime to your darling, kids like to unload too. Take the time to put them to bed, perhaps with a story, turn the lights out (leave the hallway one on) and lie with them and listen to them. You will hear things you didn't know.
Most parents want their own time in the evenings and just want the kids to go to bed, but you can have both, just make their bedtime 15 mins earlier and factor listening time into the bedtime routine. Kids will often sleep better when they have unloaded.
* Listening = 100% listening, not thinking of your own response, being non-judgemental, not interrupting, being present in the moment.
* Give your child a moment in each day when you are present with them. Stop. Listen. Pay attention. Especially to the big things in their lives. You will learn what is a big thing, and when to pay all your attention, or just some of it. Kids don't mind if you don't stop your world for them on the little things, but love it when you tune in to their big things.
Lisa has a book with all her notes for the course in it. She is presently updating it and I am going to buy one when she is done. At first I thought it would be good for the kids to read when they embark on being parents themselves, but hopefully this will be a change in the way I parent that will become the norm for them and become all they know anyway. We parent like we were parented. Hopefully they won't need the book. But I'll buy it anyway.
* When growling your children, you will need to speak differently to boys than to girls. Boys need it short and sweet (minimal words) and their consequences louder and clearer.
* Divide your time not your attention.
* When the same thing keeps happening over and over again: How can I do it differently to get a different response?
* If there is no time before school for consequences, then tell them the consequences will have to happen after school.
* The end of the school term (especially in winter months) brings tired kids. Be mindful of this when they are more grizzly or contentious than normal.
* Take the power from you and give it to the clock. When you are needing to go, show your child that when the big hand is on the 6 we have to leave. Younger kids don't understand "a few minutes", Christmas is soon, 5 minutes is soon. Use a clock with hands to help them understand time.
* If it's time for dinner but your child is in a very creative space (e.g. doing art), instead of saying "come now", take a moment to look at what they are doing and perhaps give them a bit more time to finish. Creativity is something to be encouraged.
* A woman talks to solve the issue herself (saying it often solves it without any input from someone else). A man thinks if she's talking to me she wants a solution. So gives one.
* Practice being the parent that can say to their child "I am completely unshockable by anything you tell me". By practice will also come non-judgement. There is no quicker way to shut a teenager down than to judge them when they tell you something. LISTEN with patience and calmness. Reacting - especially negatively - will close the communication door.
* Kids know how to be "present" in the moment. Watch them follow a ladybug for ages.... Sometimes because they are so in the moment, they will not hear you. (And here I was thinking Leah was just deaf! Instead I learn that she probably IS just really being present).
* You like to unload at bedtime to your darling, kids like to unload too. Take the time to put them to bed, perhaps with a story, turn the lights out (leave the hallway one on) and lie with them and listen to them. You will hear things you didn't know.
Most parents want their own time in the evenings and just want the kids to go to bed, but you can have both, just make their bedtime 15 mins earlier and factor listening time into the bedtime routine. Kids will often sleep better when they have unloaded.
* Listening = 100% listening, not thinking of your own response, being non-judgemental, not interrupting, being present in the moment.
* Give your child a moment in each day when you are present with them. Stop. Listen. Pay attention. Especially to the big things in their lives. You will learn what is a big thing, and when to pay all your attention, or just some of it. Kids don't mind if you don't stop your world for them on the little things, but love it when you tune in to their big things.
Lisa has a book with all her notes for the course in it. She is presently updating it and I am going to buy one when she is done. At first I thought it would be good for the kids to read when they embark on being parents themselves, but hopefully this will be a change in the way I parent that will become the norm for them and become all they know anyway. We parent like we were parented. Hopefully they won't need the book. But I'll buy it anyway.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Caleb is 3 months today
We went to Plunket and I have added his measurements to the Comparing Weight post. Mini Emerson! He also had his 3 month immunizations today. Getting his shots is the rare time he cries tears, but today he only cried briefly then was quite happy again.
I've decided to get Leah's eyes checked again as she quite often gets headaches and I'm wondering if it's related. If the school doesn't have a check scheduled soon I'll take her to the doc.
I've decided to get Leah's eyes checked again as she quite often gets headaches and I'm wondering if it's related. If the school doesn't have a check scheduled soon I'll take her to the doc.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Avoiding Failure
I am waiting for Caleb to wake up so thought I'd hop on here. Amazingly enough, the amount of times I have left him with Nate or Mum lately he hasn't needed a bottle - sleeps long enough and waits till I get home to feed. My good boy...
Tonights class was Avoiding Failure amongst other things.
* There is a cycle, when you've tried and tried and YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP - you retreat, or ignore or just say whatever and let it go - then your kids do the same, they see you do that and they then retreat, ignore you and say whatever - so you feel like what's the point and feel like giving up (round and round we go). Lisa said this is most common in an eldest child being raised by an eldest child because of the pressure they place on themselves and parent upon child to achieve and not fail. The answer is a) to set bite size goals they can't fail at and b) heaps of encouragement - remembering to praise the deed not the dude.
Example was a child learning to read. They tried to learn but found it too hard so gave up and kept 'forgetting' her book at school. Mum encouraged her by a) to get the book out of the bag again Mum offered to read the book the first week, b) reading all but the last page of the book the next week, c) alternating pages the third week, d) child reading it all the fourth week. Lots of encouragement at getting a word right, or the tone of their voice, expression, saying their favourite thing about the book etc....
* Tip for being patient: look through your child's eyes. You have had a lifetime of learning how to do something, they haven't.
* To be encouraging you have to be PRESENT, you can't be peeling potatoes or watching TV, you have to be there paying attention so you can honestly speak about something they did great.
* Quite often the first child is really good at most things, the second doesn't even want to try because they fear they might not be as good. We should give the second child the opportunity to be better than the oldest at something. E.g. if one does dancing, take the other to swimming. If possible take the younger one by themselves so it is THEIR thing and the older one can't go "That's easy, see" then promptly do it because they have learnt just by watching. Don't put them in the same sport or activity just because it is convenient for you to take them to one place instead of two.
* Don't bulldoze your child to do something even if you know they will love it. Walk side by side with them. It will help them to learn to have courage and to try things themselves. e.g if you bulldoze them they will grow up to be the one who walks in a room and stands by themselves because they don't know how to walk in and join a conversation. They will always need that push. They might need a few weeks just to observe before they are confident to join in, don't look at that as a waste of time, view it as part of the activity.
* If your child doesn't want to try something for fear they will be laughed at, arm them with some one-liners they can throw back at the laughing person. Respectful one-liners. If you have an adolescent girl who's body is going through changes she suggests the book "Real Gorgeous" by Kaz Cooke.
* Another book is "Queen Bees and Wannabes" by Rosalind Wiseman for helping your daughter survive cliques and gossip. I think I need to read this one for Emerson already. 7 years old and we deal with cliques - you can play with me today, no you can't play with me today... Lisa encourages us to make sure our child has one good friend. Foster that friendship by having playdates out of school. But important too to teach our kids to be their own leader.
* Teach them the skill of living with what they need not with what they can have (if your kids have too many clothes or toys) - I'm cleaning out their drawers tomorrow!
* Some children learn in different ways. Leah is a kinesthetic learner, she learns by doing. She can't keep still, always rocking on her chair or bouncing around. Kinesthetic learners need to move to stay connected and interested in what they are doing. To stop them is like turning off their brain. To help them keep focused on the job/homework give them bite size goals with an incentive when they are finished. e.g. Homework for 5 mins then you can come have this lovely big sandwich, then do a bit more. Make their homework fun, if they have to do counting do it with jumps on the trampoline, standing at the bench instead of sitting, throwing popcorn into a bowl after each page read....
* When you're given power you don't have to fight for it. Always give choices (realistic one's, not like you can eat that or go to bed but you can eat this or this). How can we both be happy?
* Often when we are hurt we show it with anger. Anger is on the surface, show understanding to get to what's underneath. Finish it with love.
* Book: The family virtues guide: A simple way to bring out the best in our children and ourselves by Linda Kavelin Popov.
Here's a pic we took on Sunday.
Tonights class was Avoiding Failure amongst other things.
* There is a cycle, when you've tried and tried and YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP - you retreat, or ignore or just say whatever and let it go - then your kids do the same, they see you do that and they then retreat, ignore you and say whatever - so you feel like what's the point and feel like giving up (round and round we go). Lisa said this is most common in an eldest child being raised by an eldest child because of the pressure they place on themselves and parent upon child to achieve and not fail. The answer is a) to set bite size goals they can't fail at and b) heaps of encouragement - remembering to praise the deed not the dude.
Example was a child learning to read. They tried to learn but found it too hard so gave up and kept 'forgetting' her book at school. Mum encouraged her by a) to get the book out of the bag again Mum offered to read the book the first week, b) reading all but the last page of the book the next week, c) alternating pages the third week, d) child reading it all the fourth week. Lots of encouragement at getting a word right, or the tone of their voice, expression, saying their favourite thing about the book etc....
* Tip for being patient: look through your child's eyes. You have had a lifetime of learning how to do something, they haven't.
* To be encouraging you have to be PRESENT, you can't be peeling potatoes or watching TV, you have to be there paying attention so you can honestly speak about something they did great.
* Quite often the first child is really good at most things, the second doesn't even want to try because they fear they might not be as good. We should give the second child the opportunity to be better than the oldest at something. E.g. if one does dancing, take the other to swimming. If possible take the younger one by themselves so it is THEIR thing and the older one can't go "That's easy, see" then promptly do it because they have learnt just by watching. Don't put them in the same sport or activity just because it is convenient for you to take them to one place instead of two.
* Don't bulldoze your child to do something even if you know they will love it. Walk side by side with them. It will help them to learn to have courage and to try things themselves. e.g if you bulldoze them they will grow up to be the one who walks in a room and stands by themselves because they don't know how to walk in and join a conversation. They will always need that push. They might need a few weeks just to observe before they are confident to join in, don't look at that as a waste of time, view it as part of the activity.
* If your child doesn't want to try something for fear they will be laughed at, arm them with some one-liners they can throw back at the laughing person. Respectful one-liners. If you have an adolescent girl who's body is going through changes she suggests the book "Real Gorgeous" by Kaz Cooke.
* Another book is "Queen Bees and Wannabes" by Rosalind Wiseman for helping your daughter survive cliques and gossip. I think I need to read this one for Emerson already. 7 years old and we deal with cliques - you can play with me today, no you can't play with me today... Lisa encourages us to make sure our child has one good friend. Foster that friendship by having playdates out of school. But important too to teach our kids to be their own leader.
* Teach them the skill of living with what they need not with what they can have (if your kids have too many clothes or toys) - I'm cleaning out their drawers tomorrow!
* Some children learn in different ways. Leah is a kinesthetic learner, she learns by doing. She can't keep still, always rocking on her chair or bouncing around. Kinesthetic learners need to move to stay connected and interested in what they are doing. To stop them is like turning off their brain. To help them keep focused on the job/homework give them bite size goals with an incentive when they are finished. e.g. Homework for 5 mins then you can come have this lovely big sandwich, then do a bit more. Make their homework fun, if they have to do counting do it with jumps on the trampoline, standing at the bench instead of sitting, throwing popcorn into a bowl after each page read....
* When you're given power you don't have to fight for it. Always give choices (realistic one's, not like you can eat that or go to bed but you can eat this or this). How can we both be happy?
* Often when we are hurt we show it with anger. Anger is on the surface, show understanding to get to what's underneath. Finish it with love.
* Book: The family virtues guide: A simple way to bring out the best in our children and ourselves by Linda Kavelin Popov.
Here's a pic we took on Sunday.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Discipline v's Punishment
I really enjoyed the session last night - how to discipline your kids.
The meaning of discipline is to follow and learn. The meaning of punishment is to suffer for an offence or to inflict severe penalty. Our goal is to discipline, not punish. Her teaching is always about calmness and a kind voice from the parent.
* Lisa started out with the mozzie-swat. She said when you are annoyed (not angry) you tend to mozzie-swat your kids (when you kind of fob them off, yeah-yeah, in a minute..), then the kids stop being annoying for 2 minutes but then restart again, so you are annoyed again and the circle goes around and around. She said there are two ways to handle annoying kids. First IGNORE it as much as you can. They will often sort themselves out and be happy as Larry after a couple minutes. The other way is when people or property are at risk then discipline with the "3 R's" - Related, Reasonable, Respect.
* She said squabbling is recreation for them sometimes, so walk away on the little things and let them sort it out.
* If you have a child that whines alot when they talk to you, you can stop them using two ways, First for those who can speak (i.e. not babies) say something like "I really want to listen to you but I don't want you to talk to me with that voice. If you'd like to speak to me properly then I'd love to hear what you have to say."
Or for those without language (i.e. toddlers) you come down to their level and say "show me". Then they'll point or take you there. Don't use a lot of talk to littlie's.
* Another way of saying No is to acknowledge that "yeah it would be great to have (what they want), but it's a pity we can't today."
* One of the greatest gifts you can give to your children is to do what you say you will do.
Whether it's fun or discipline. Follow through with it.
* Kids need to learn respect for each other and their siblings space. When one is being annoying to another you can say to them "You can be nice in here with your sister or you can go somewhere else, your choice". If they choose to go then problem solved. If they choose to stay but continue to annoy "You said you would stay and be nice, but that's not what you're doing. Would you like to choose the other place to go to now or would you like me to choose, your choice?" If they go, problem solved. If not, "Do you want help to go there or do you want to go by yourself, your choice?" If they go, problem solved. If not, physically help them go. Not by dragging them off down the hall, but if they are little, coming to their height and holding your hands upwards toward them an asking if they want to come or be carried. If they are too big for that, you can put your hand on their back and steer them out. If they refuse to go, tell them "I've got nothing more important to do today then to stand here and stalk you till you're ready to go". Lisa says it may take a few minutes but if you keep at them to move (calmly) and be annoying to them, they will stomp off themselves. -She explains this all so much better!
*Don't negotiate with a terrorist. :-) Less talk, more action! Kids hear better when there is less talk involved, including teenagers.
* Say the minimum amount to get the message across.
* Kids will only do something if it works. If you ignore it, it's not working anymore and they'll give up.
* You can't expect from littlie's what adults don't deliver. (Don't hit, then we smack).
* You don't need a punishment, you need a solution. Her example of this was when her daughter stole $5 from her purse. When she found out who it was, instead of questioning her, they had a conversation (yes, there is a difference). Her girl said when her friends would go to McDonald's she'd either have to bludge off them or sit and watch them eat and it embarrassed her. The solution was to re-instate the pocket money system. She could see her daughter was remorseful so she didn't discipline her further, and as far as she knows she hasn't stolen anything else in her life. So sometimes good things can come out of naughty behaviour.
* You inspire your kids to great behaviour, you don't kick their butt to great behaviour.
* Example of using the 3 R's when disciplining. Imagine you wrote your name on the old wooden school desk and was caught. Instead of sending you to the principal for the strap (remember those days?) the teacher could discipline you by: Related = sanding the desk. Reasonable = only sanding your own desk, not the whole classroom's. Respect = doing it alone in your lunch hour or after school and not in the middle of assembly where everyone's watching.
* There should be no suffering involved, because once there is physical or emotional suffering then there will be thoughts of defiance and revenge and anger. She said you can't discipline with only two of the R's, you must have all 3.
* An example of disciplining without the 3 R's. A kid didn't want to go to dinner with his family at a friends house so he climbed up on the roof. The parents were too scared to climb up so waited below yelling at him. 90 minutes later he came down and the parents took his x-box that he got for his birthday 2 weeks earlier, and kept it from him for a year. 1 year! Doesn't really relate does it? She didn't say what they should have done, it was to show an unreasonable reaction.
* CALM DOWN FIRST. Do not discipline in the heat of the moment. Stop, breathe, tell them you need a minute (or an hour, or a night) and will be back to talk to them. Go away, calm down and then discipline. You'll be much happier with yourself and more likely to do the 3 R's.
* If you can show your kids to calm down before handling things then you are role modelling a great life skill for them.
* When you are unreasonable (like saying you'll take their x-box for a year), go back and say "I was unreasonable, can you help me come up with something else? What do you think we should do to handle it?" Include kids in the conversation, they will most likely be hard on themselves but if what they suggest you think is still unreasonable you could suggest something more inline with what they have done.
* If you're going to have a time out spot turn it into a positive place, like the kindness corner where they go to think of kind things to do instead, or the love rug where they think about being more loving, instead of the naughty mat or the naughty step. Discipline should have a positive tone, not negative. Think about the feeling you would have of being sent to the naughty chair v's the kindness corner. Just the name has a feeling towards it.
* Talk to your spouse about how to support each other without offending when disciplining. Sometimes one will be unreasonable and the other wants to step in and say something to contradict it, but Lisa said never argue in front of the kids. Hold your thoughts and talk about it together afterwards about how to do it better next time. (Guess this might be where you go back and say you were unreasonable...), or have a tag-team signal when you can feel yourself getting angry and want your spouse to step in - but only if they are calm, 2 angry adults v's 1 kid isn't fair. Whatever works for you.
* If your kid wants Dad when you're growling them, make them do their time then they can go to Dad for all the love they want. Once the sentence is finished, it's done. Clean slate.
Our exercise for the night was to imagine we were the 10 year old who stole $5 and we had to list our reactions and our feelings to being caught and punished/disciplined. Of course our lists were all negative - Feeling: scared, fearful, upset, angry, guilty, bored (if getting a lecture) etc... Reaction: cry, sulk, silent treatment, run away, lie, deny. Of course when a parent gets one of these reactions it makes them more angry and they give more discipline.
These things are not our dream outcome. We'd rather have a child be remorseful, understand consequence, respect for others and self, take responsibility, learn, change, have both parties still like each other etc... By disciplining with the 3 R's we are more likely to achieve this.
Good night huh?
I realized that most of my angry moments come when I am tired. So I am going to make the effort this week to get the sleep I need. Nate says I don't just go off to bed like he does, he's right I don't. So I asked him to just take the baby off me and send me to bed (Yes Sir!), to help me so I'm not grumpy with him or the kids. We were also challenged to try the 3 R's. We'll see how we go...
On another note:
Thank you for posting on Emmy's site, she loves getting your comments. She often replies to them too, even past posts, so if you're written her something she's probably written you back so be sure to check back again. Here's a page Jacinda did for her.
I've decided to reduce Caleb's dummy time. I've made it a sleep prop for him and it's just not working. Once he loses it or rolls on it, he wakes up and is not getting good sleeps. I was going to wait till Nate went away for work on the 17th so I could let him cry at night too but I can't take it anymore. Today is Day One. I did give it to him at 7am after his first feed but then he woke up after 45 minutes and Emmy got him up so I decided this was the day! When he went back down about 9.15am he cried for maybe 10-15 mins then went to sleep. He did wake again, talked to himself a bit, then cried and kicked off his blankets. I did turn him over though and he cried maybe 5-10 mins then went to sleep. It's now 11.40am and he's still asleep. Let's see how the rest of the day goes. I am going to the temple tonight for the first time since I had him, so he's going to have his first bottle. Good luck Daddy!
The meaning of discipline is to follow and learn. The meaning of punishment is to suffer for an offence or to inflict severe penalty. Our goal is to discipline, not punish. Her teaching is always about calmness and a kind voice from the parent.
* Lisa started out with the mozzie-swat. She said when you are annoyed (not angry) you tend to mozzie-swat your kids (when you kind of fob them off, yeah-yeah, in a minute..), then the kids stop being annoying for 2 minutes but then restart again, so you are annoyed again and the circle goes around and around. She said there are two ways to handle annoying kids. First IGNORE it as much as you can. They will often sort themselves out and be happy as Larry after a couple minutes. The other way is when people or property are at risk then discipline with the "3 R's" - Related, Reasonable, Respect.
* She said squabbling is recreation for them sometimes, so walk away on the little things and let them sort it out.
* If you have a child that whines alot when they talk to you, you can stop them using two ways, First for those who can speak (i.e. not babies) say something like "I really want to listen to you but I don't want you to talk to me with that voice. If you'd like to speak to me properly then I'd love to hear what you have to say."
Or for those without language (i.e. toddlers) you come down to their level and say "show me". Then they'll point or take you there. Don't use a lot of talk to littlie's.
* Another way of saying No is to acknowledge that "yeah it would be great to have (what they want), but it's a pity we can't today."
* One of the greatest gifts you can give to your children is to do what you say you will do.
Whether it's fun or discipline. Follow through with it.
* Kids need to learn respect for each other and their siblings space. When one is being annoying to another you can say to them "You can be nice in here with your sister or you can go somewhere else, your choice". If they choose to go then problem solved. If they choose to stay but continue to annoy "You said you would stay and be nice, but that's not what you're doing. Would you like to choose the other place to go to now or would you like me to choose, your choice?" If they go, problem solved. If not, "Do you want help to go there or do you want to go by yourself, your choice?" If they go, problem solved. If not, physically help them go. Not by dragging them off down the hall, but if they are little, coming to their height and holding your hands upwards toward them an asking if they want to come or be carried. If they are too big for that, you can put your hand on their back and steer them out. If they refuse to go, tell them "I've got nothing more important to do today then to stand here and stalk you till you're ready to go". Lisa says it may take a few minutes but if you keep at them to move (calmly) and be annoying to them, they will stomp off themselves. -She explains this all so much better!
*Don't negotiate with a terrorist. :-) Less talk, more action! Kids hear better when there is less talk involved, including teenagers.
* Say the minimum amount to get the message across.
* Kids will only do something if it works. If you ignore it, it's not working anymore and they'll give up.
* You can't expect from littlie's what adults don't deliver. (Don't hit, then we smack).
* You don't need a punishment, you need a solution. Her example of this was when her daughter stole $5 from her purse. When she found out who it was, instead of questioning her, they had a conversation (yes, there is a difference). Her girl said when her friends would go to McDonald's she'd either have to bludge off them or sit and watch them eat and it embarrassed her. The solution was to re-instate the pocket money system. She could see her daughter was remorseful so she didn't discipline her further, and as far as she knows she hasn't stolen anything else in her life. So sometimes good things can come out of naughty behaviour.
* You inspire your kids to great behaviour, you don't kick their butt to great behaviour.
* Example of using the 3 R's when disciplining. Imagine you wrote your name on the old wooden school desk and was caught. Instead of sending you to the principal for the strap (remember those days?) the teacher could discipline you by: Related = sanding the desk. Reasonable = only sanding your own desk, not the whole classroom's. Respect = doing it alone in your lunch hour or after school and not in the middle of assembly where everyone's watching.
* There should be no suffering involved, because once there is physical or emotional suffering then there will be thoughts of defiance and revenge and anger. She said you can't discipline with only two of the R's, you must have all 3.
* An example of disciplining without the 3 R's. A kid didn't want to go to dinner with his family at a friends house so he climbed up on the roof. The parents were too scared to climb up so waited below yelling at him. 90 minutes later he came down and the parents took his x-box that he got for his birthday 2 weeks earlier, and kept it from him for a year. 1 year! Doesn't really relate does it? She didn't say what they should have done, it was to show an unreasonable reaction.
* CALM DOWN FIRST. Do not discipline in the heat of the moment. Stop, breathe, tell them you need a minute (or an hour, or a night) and will be back to talk to them. Go away, calm down and then discipline. You'll be much happier with yourself and more likely to do the 3 R's.
* If you can show your kids to calm down before handling things then you are role modelling a great life skill for them.
* When you are unreasonable (like saying you'll take their x-box for a year), go back and say "I was unreasonable, can you help me come up with something else? What do you think we should do to handle it?" Include kids in the conversation, they will most likely be hard on themselves but if what they suggest you think is still unreasonable you could suggest something more inline with what they have done.
* If you're going to have a time out spot turn it into a positive place, like the kindness corner where they go to think of kind things to do instead, or the love rug where they think about being more loving, instead of the naughty mat or the naughty step. Discipline should have a positive tone, not negative. Think about the feeling you would have of being sent to the naughty chair v's the kindness corner. Just the name has a feeling towards it.
* Talk to your spouse about how to support each other without offending when disciplining. Sometimes one will be unreasonable and the other wants to step in and say something to contradict it, but Lisa said never argue in front of the kids. Hold your thoughts and talk about it together afterwards about how to do it better next time. (Guess this might be where you go back and say you were unreasonable...), or have a tag-team signal when you can feel yourself getting angry and want your spouse to step in - but only if they are calm, 2 angry adults v's 1 kid isn't fair. Whatever works for you.
* If your kid wants Dad when you're growling them, make them do their time then they can go to Dad for all the love they want. Once the sentence is finished, it's done. Clean slate.
Our exercise for the night was to imagine we were the 10 year old who stole $5 and we had to list our reactions and our feelings to being caught and punished/disciplined. Of course our lists were all negative - Feeling: scared, fearful, upset, angry, guilty, bored (if getting a lecture) etc... Reaction: cry, sulk, silent treatment, run away, lie, deny. Of course when a parent gets one of these reactions it makes them more angry and they give more discipline.
These things are not our dream outcome. We'd rather have a child be remorseful, understand consequence, respect for others and self, take responsibility, learn, change, have both parties still like each other etc... By disciplining with the 3 R's we are more likely to achieve this.
Good night huh?
I realized that most of my angry moments come when I am tired. So I am going to make the effort this week to get the sleep I need. Nate says I don't just go off to bed like he does, he's right I don't. So I asked him to just take the baby off me and send me to bed (Yes Sir!), to help me so I'm not grumpy with him or the kids. We were also challenged to try the 3 R's. We'll see how we go...
On another note:
Thank you for posting on Emmy's site, she loves getting your comments. She often replies to them too, even past posts, so if you're written her something she's probably written you back so be sure to check back again. Here's a page Jacinda did for her.
I've decided to reduce Caleb's dummy time. I've made it a sleep prop for him and it's just not working. Once he loses it or rolls on it, he wakes up and is not getting good sleeps. I was going to wait till Nate went away for work on the 17th so I could let him cry at night too but I can't take it anymore. Today is Day One. I did give it to him at 7am after his first feed but then he woke up after 45 minutes and Emmy got him up so I decided this was the day! When he went back down about 9.15am he cried for maybe 10-15 mins then went to sleep. He did wake again, talked to himself a bit, then cried and kicked off his blankets. I did turn him over though and he cried maybe 5-10 mins then went to sleep. It's now 11.40am and he's still asleep. Let's see how the rest of the day goes. I am going to the temple tonight for the first time since I had him, so he's going to have his first bottle. Good luck Daddy!
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